I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
