dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
