he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
