Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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