Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
