In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
