He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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