im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
