If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
