i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
