Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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