and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
