The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
