Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
