So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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