I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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