I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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