I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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