Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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