I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
