You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
