I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
