im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
