never play flip cup with pint glasses
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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