Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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