I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
