This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
