I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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