Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
