my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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