I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
