we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
