i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I cannot find my penis.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
