I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Need sex. Gaining weight.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
