could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
