I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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