My boss' voice literally gives me gas
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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