Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Randomize
