just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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