that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
