turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
