i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
