saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
