This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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