She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
