There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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