i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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