He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
