When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
