He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
