shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
